On Love and Obedience

Obedience. Obedience can be tough.  I mean, I see the value in having laws, and I've always been one to follow rules.  I was not the kid who my parents worried about because I always did what they asked me to (with a few exceptions of course).  I actually liked following the rules, and I liked knowing that it made my parents happy when I did. Following the rules without questioning indicates that not only do you see the value in following the rules, but you completely trust the person(s) making those rules enough to abide by them. 

Saint Ignatius tells us, "It is not hard to obey when we love the one whom we obey."

Now I'm not saying he's wrong, but it's good to point out that it's not hard to obey when we are ACTIVELY loving.  My daughters love me, and they disobey me all the time.  It's because in that moment they are not actively loving me; they are choosing to think more of themselves and their wants/needs.  They don't understand sacrificial love yet.  Mom wants me to get dressed and put my shoes on?  Nah, I'd rather finish coloring.  Or drawing on myself with a pen.  Or eating this morsel of goodness found in the little bitty corner of the kitchen where the broom doesn't quite reach.  So how do we go about learning to love in a way that causes us to stop and obey even when we'd rather do it our own way?

St. Francis de Sales says, "All that we do must be motivated by love and not force. We must love to obey rather than fear to disobey."  

As a parent, this quote is especially meaningful to me.  I worry that in disciplining our kids, they might not learn the lesson that they should obey out of love rather than fear of losing a favorite privilege etc.  No, I'm not saying that we are pushover parents and we don't discipline our kids.  We totally do.  But for discipline to be effective, it must be consistent.  And I believe that consistency is also a key factor in developing obedience that is motivated by love. We must not be afraid to tell our children and show our children that we love them.  Even when (and especially when) they have done wrong.  

image found on thesepeastastefunny.blogspot.com

I'm certainly not a perfect parent or person and tend to begin yelling when the kids don't obey.  On mornings when we have to be somewhere at a certain time, this is especially the case.  Sadly that means that often, we are all frazzled on Sunday mornings by the time we get into the car to go to Mass.  I am rushing to get something in the girls' tummies, get their dresses on and their hair done, and I hear my volume getting louder and feel my head begin to explode when I try to rally the troops in the very simple task of putting their shoes on, and get no response.  Hellooooo, did you hear me? Bueller?...........Bueller? 

I'm slowly learning to slow down with parenting and remember that consistency doesn't just mean that I dish out the consequences that I say I will when the kids misbehave.  It means that I do it in a way that assures them of my love for them and God's love for them.  

Today my daughter Kayla was banging on a metal bowl that I had out for her sister to use to throw up in if necessary since she had an upset tummy.  I was upstairs, but her dad asked her to please stop banging on the bowl.  Slight pause, and then the banging resumed.  He asked again.  Same response.  I then called her upstairs and she knew she was in trouble, so she started screaming at me, "No!  I'm not going to do it!"  

I sat her down and we discussed the situation.  I asked her if she loved me.  She just stood there sullenly.  I told her that I loved her.  Then I asked her why she didn't obey when Daddy asked her to stop banging on the bowl.  She said she liked it and she was just having fun.  So I asked her if she had thought about anyone else in the situation.  "Do you think Daddy may have had some reasons for asking you to stop?"  

"Because it's for throw-up." 

 "Yes. We also live in a small space.  Some activities are fun but they are too loud for small places with lots of people around." 

"Oh. Yeah."

 I added, "Besides isn't someone trying to sleep right now?" 

She looked around.  "Baby Sophie?" 

 "Mmhmm. Do you think we can try to find something else fun for you to do that doesn't bother people?"  

She nods. 

 "Do you think you should go tell Daddy you are sorry that you didn't obey when he asked you to stop banging on the bowl?" 

 She nods.  And then she apologized to me, too, for yelling at me.   

image found on Pinterest

We celebrated the Solemnity of the Annunciation a few days ago, and I blogged about it. And I thought a lot about Mary and her resounding "YES!" to the will of God.  I mentioned that I'm a rule-following, letter of the law kind of person.  What is harder for me is following Christ and loving with my whole self: body, mind, soul, strength.  But it's all connected.  Faith without works is dead, but deeds without love are also dead.  Mary's declaration, "I am the handmaid of the Lord, be it done unto me according to thy word!" was made with her whole self: body, mind, soul, and strength.  She loved God so much that she wanted to obey Him and fully trusted that His love was enough to cover any fear or suffering she would face as a result of her willingness to follow His plan and not her own.   

image found on Pinterest

"I am the handmaid of the Lord.  Be it done unto me according to thy word!"
"He must increase, I must decrease."

Link-up found here at BlessedIsShe.net