Several months back (I'm rather ashamed to say just how many), I received this book, Witness to Love by Ryan and Mary-Rose Verret, to review. It's full title includes this description "How to Help the Next Generation Build Marriages that Survive and Thrive". As I'm sure you've gathered at this point, it's a book about marriage.
The book can be read by any number of persons though, not just those that are married which I think is what makes it somewhat unique in the realm of books on marriage. You'll see why when I explain a bit more about the book itself, but it can be read by those discerning the vocation of marriage (single people), clergy, engaged couples, newly married couples, and couples who have been married for years. Each of these groups has a part to play in the strategy that this book outlines.
The very basic and general summary of the Witness to Love is that it's a book about marriage mentoring. In other words, Ryan and Mary-Rose suggest that a key to strong marriage is having strong mentorship in the vocation of marriage--a couple that you and your spouse can look up to, learn from, and share with as you live out your marriage vows each and everyday.
Ryan and Mary-Rose do an excellent job of citing research about divorce rates and other causes of strife and struggle in marriage to solidify their point that a sense of 'community' and 'accountability' and yes, 'solidarity' are needed to build strong marriages that last.
They have developed a program (
I strongly suggest checking out their website for additional info) for marriage prep that takes this idea of mentorship and puts it into practice. Each engaged couple is encouraged to think of a couple whose marriage they admire and ask them to 'mentor' them.
Parts of the book offer wonderful guide questions for mentors to ask as well as questions for those seeking a mentor to ask themselves when seeking a mentor couple. And Ryan and Mary-Rose establish very clearly that there is no "perfect mentoring couple". We are all on a journey and our experience AND our continued struggles have a place in our own growth as couples as well as the mentorship we can offer others.
Additionally the book explains and discusses different situations that engaged couples approach the altar in--some might have been civilly married and are now being married in the church, some might be young couples, some might have long history of divorce or infidelity in their families (or themselves), some might be living together etc.
One of the other important points is that this marriage mentorship doesn't end on the wedding day. It's meant to be a relationship going forward that can help and support the couple as they navigate the journey of the marriage vocation. The wedding day is really just the beginning of the journey and it is so important for couples to have someone they can turn to who will love and support their marriage. So often when people struggle, they turn inward or they feel as though they must be the only ones struggling. The reality is that every marriage, even those who have been married for 5, 10, 20, 50 years, requires daily love in action, prayer, encouragement, and work. No one's marriage is perfect and we all need help, support, love, encouragement, and prayer along the way.
The beauty of this type of marriage prep program is that it isn't just about preparing you for a day, it's about giving you the tools to keep your marriage alive 'until death do us part'. And it's not just the young couples being mentored who gain from this. As the book points out, often the mentor couple, too, learns, grows, and is encouraged through this kind of relationship. In fact, the book encourages those who may be interested in being a mentor to find a mentor couple of their own if they don't already have one. And it's not about 'knowing more' than anyone else; it's about humbly and honestly seeking support and encouragement from other godly couples.
Chris and I don't have a "formal" mentor couple, but we have discussed the question of which couples we know whom we admire greatly. As a result of that conversation, we have at times in our marriage sought out a couple who have been married several years longer than us and whom we admire in their prayerfulness, commitment to each other first and foremost (after God obviously), and in the witness to love we have seen in their Marriage Sacrament from being friends with them. I know I can go to her when I am frustrated by something Chris has said or done and I can be sure that she is a safe person because we have had the honest conversation that my marriage is the priority not my feelings. Certainly she gives me comfort, but not to gossip with me or disparage my husband. She knows that when I'm coming to her it's not because I want to be told that I'm right, it's because I want to improve my marriage and I'm having a hard time seeing past myself and my feelings in the moment. And I know I can tell her anything about myself or Chris and she won't spread it and she won't judge us. She is there to pray with me, to support me, and to help me work on loving without counting the cost. I can't say that I'm always perfect and that I always seek out help immediately. Sometimes I sit and stew about things. But when I DO go to my trusted friend, I never regret it, just as I never regret pouring my heart out to God. This kind of support and love from others is a huge help in the journey of marriage.
(How can I not share a picture from our wedding in a post like this?
It's hard to believe that was almost 8 years ago already.)
I received this book to review and my views are my own. I sincerely think that this is a marriage prep program that every parish could benefit from and even if it's not actually implemented by your parish, the idea of marriage mentorship is one that should be shared with others and implemented personally. If your parish doesn't offer this as part of marriage prep, seek out a mentor couple whom you admire on your own and get support for your marriage whether you are engaged, newly married, or have been married for 10 or 15 years. Surround yourself with godly people who can help you live out this very important vocation. Better yet, be pro-active. Help get this program started at your parish! There's all sorts of info about that on the website.
I'll end with this quote from the book:
"We need to be reminded continually that there is nothing in God's plan that calls us to mediocrity. If marriage is your vocation, then settling for something less than God wants for you means that you are not living out your vocation."
