Mother Cabrini Shrine and Pilgrimage thoughts

On Saturday, after our visit up to Mt. Evans, we stopped at the 

Mother Cabrini Shrine in Golden, CO. 

There was more there than we realized and we made a little pilgrimage of sorts 

(and as you'll read, I'm still making one in my heart...)

The Shrine is in the hills and used to be a summer camp for the girls of Queen of Heaven Orphanage. 

The building above is where the Main Chapel as well as the Gift Shop is located.  We made a quick stop there first as that is where the Doors of Mercy are located.  How blessed we were as a family in this Year of Mercy to enter two different sets of Doors of Mercy!

Door of Mercy

In a side chapel of the Main Chapel, there were three walls of beautiful stained glass windows depicting some main events in her life.  There are descriptions that we read together every few windows and the girls learned a lovely, brief overview of her life through the descriptions and pictures put together. 

 

Just outside the Main Chapel are the Cabrini Gardens, the Cabrini Museum, and a Meditation Walk. 

With the kids, it's difficult to truly be a pilgrim, taking the time to pray and reflect in the same way you could if you were on your own or with other adults.  We walked through the Cabrini Gardens reading some of the interesting facts (That statue is from the Gardens) and we also passed through the Cabrini Museum (picture on the right above).  Inside the "museum" (it is housed in what used to be the pump house) was a corner with coloring sheets of Mother Cabrini so that we could explore a little while the girls colored briefly. 

A view from the Cabrini Gardens down on the property.  The hillside with the pines leading up is where Stairway of Prayer leads up to the large Sacred Heart of Jesus Statue. 

 

Just as you begin the Stairway of Prayer, there is a large crucifix. 

 It is here that I'll begin sharing just a little of how my week has been one filled with many personal trials.  If you know me, I'm a do-er.  And I'm prone to worry and anxiety because I want to do all the things, make everyone happy, and unfortunately, that just can't happen all the time.  I can't do everything all the time.  And most of all I can't control what others do, say, and feel, and thus I can't make everyone happy all the time. 

As you walk up the 373 steps (quite a workout in case you were wondering), there are beautiful Stations of the Cross to pray along the way.  Again, with kids, we can't make it as prayerful in that sense, but we said some Hail Marys along the way up for loved ones and special intentions we each had. 

Over the course of the next few days after our pilgrimage, I have had some days of deep discouragement.  As I noted, I have a hard time letting things go that I can't control and giving them to God.  When I'm tired, I just keep pushing myself--too hard and get burnt out.  When I'm hurt, I just keep trying to find new solutions to resolve the situation.  And eventually I just can hardly even function.  I got to that point about some personal things in my life right now on Sunday (the day after our pilgrimage) and just felt so much attack from the devil.  I cried hard.  I tried to pray.  And I was just broken.   

 

After the Stations, there are beautiful depictions of the mysteries of the Rosary (Joyful, Sorrowful, and Glorious).  Little Sophie walked up most of the 373 stairs on her own and stopped at most of the mysteries of the Rosary to find Jesus as well.  

And in my brokenness, I'm realizing that I'm still on my pilgrimage.  

This pilgrimage we made as a family was really just the beginning of some time I needed to give myself to pray and reflect on some of my personal crosses.  

I don't often share about this sort of thing, because life already has so much negativity, and it seems to be everywhere I look these days.  I try to fill our lives (and thus our blog) with as much joy and love and peace as I can instead.  But the reality is that sometimes the suffering and the crosses are necessary to get to the joy ahead.  

Mother Cabrini had a great devotion to the Sacred Heart of Jesus, and this statue (made in Italy) stands atop the hill visible from many points below.  It was erected in 1954. 

This heart made from stones was arranged by Mother Cabrini and some of the sisters and girls from the orphanage on her last visit in 1912, dedicating the hill to the Sacred Heart of Jesus. It is enclosed in glass now.  

At the top of the hill, surrounding the large statue are the Ten Commandments on these stone structures.  So much to ponder atop this mountain.  

For me, there was a lot of suffering and hurt that I've been carrying with me.  I'm still on that journey of pondering, but in the last few days I have come to recognize that I have a VERY hard time surrendering to Christ.  

I see a need and I want to meet it.  I see a problem and I want it fixed.  

But as I said before, I can't.  Because the only person I have control over is myself.  And sometimes the problems I want to fix involve others.  I want everyone's lives to be full of love and peace.  But I can't make that choice for others.  It has to be their choice.  

And honestly, as I found out in the last couple days, I have a very hard time making that choice for myself.  To let go.  To let God's will be done and not mine.  

We descended the stairway and headed to the Grotto.  Chris snapped that picture of the girls and I kneeling to say a quick little prayer there for family, friends, and other random intentions.  

Below the Grotto is The Spring.  The property did not have easy access to water for drinking and cooking, and when the sisters complained of the inconvenience, Mother Cabrini pointed out a place to dig in 1912 and a spring sprung up from there that still runs today (though it is now housed in a large tank and comes out of faucets).  We all had a drink of the cool, refreshing water.  

Not pictured is a Rosary Garden that lies next to the Spring.  

It was a beautiful day, filled with family and prayer.  

St. Frances Xavier Cabrini, pray for us. 

Most Sacred Heart of Jesus, have mercy on us. 

In closing, I would ask for your prayers as I continue on my personal pilgrimage.  It's one that lasts a lifetime because it involves me continually saying "Not my will, but yours be done, O Lord." and living it out.  

It's so easy for me to get discouraged because I want so much to love Christ, and I feel so often that I'm failing so horribly at it.  And in fact, I often truly am failing horribly at it.  But this small pilgrimage within my lifelong one reminded me that GOD is BIGGER.  His grace is sufficient and I need only to call out to his mercy, "Jesus, I trust in You." and "Lord, I believe.  Help my unbelief."

He will surely do the rest. 

Kayla's Birth Story- Before the Blog...

I didn't start our blog until Kayla was about 5 months old.  Hence why her birth story has never been shared here.  Until today.  She will be 7 in just a month and each year on the kids' birthdays, I make an effort to share about the day they were born.  This year, I'm doing it in a bigger way, by finally documenting it here.   

Being our first child, her labor is the most "textbook" that I've experienced since as you may recall, the other girls' labors were quite fast.  The beginning of it was exactly what they told me it would be (more on that in a second), but it was the end that wasn't quite so typical for a first birth (more on that eventually too....). 

The story, though retold here 7 years later, is accurate, because this is me.  I write things down.  So this particular blog version is a re-telling from Kayla's baby book with a few of the hidden memories and thoughts from that day that I'll probably never forget weaved in.  

just a few days old...

Let's get the background.  7 years ago, I was about to pop with our very first baby and though we didn't find out gender, the entire world (as in everyone but two people--Chris' sister and Chris' best friend) thought we were having a boy.  Several of my sibs had babies around that same time and they had all been girls.  Chris comes from a family with 1 girl and 9 boys.  All the older ladies gave me those "knowing" looks and proclaimed I was having a boy, and we just felt like we were having a boy.  We easily decided on a name for a boy (in fact, as I recall we had discussed a boy's name that we liked when we were engaged), but had a much harder time coming up with girl names that we loved and agreed on.  

At one point (also during our engagement I believe) we had discussed Cecilia.  It seemed the obvious choice because I love her and chose her as my confirmation Saint years before.  Both Chris and I are musical and loved that she was a Saint whose patronage incorporated that love and the bond that music has been for us in our love and friendship.  But as we discussed names during pregnancy, neither of us was really wanting Cecilia to be the first name.  We preferred it as a middle.  So then we had the task of coming up with a name that we loved to be the first name that would also go well with Cecilia as a middle.  It took forever, and we only really decided that we agreed on Kayla Cecilia shortly before she was born.  But then, we were both convinced we were having a boy, so we didn't actually think we'd be using the name yet anyway....

Now we move on to the birth-day.  My due date was June 30.  I had hoped (like many moms) for a baby who was just a little early, but the due date arrived and I was still not in labor.  I had taken everyone's advice though and was trying to enjoy the time to myself.  I had finished teaching my 2nd year at a Catholic school in VA two weeks prior and was just spending most days reading by the pool in our apartment complex or taking walks around our neighborhood.  I attended those OB appointments and was questioned, "Have you felt any contractions?" to which I answered honestly, "I don't know.  I don't know what a contraction feels like.  Maybe.??"  I had felt pressure and I was certainly uncomfortable (as every whale mother at that point in pregnancy does), but I just didn't really know how to answer that question.  

So we're at the due date. I sent Chris off to work that morning and went to Mass nearby.  A nice lady asked when I was due.  "Today," I smiled, hoping that perhaps today would be the day.  Around noon, I felt it.  A contraction.  A real one.  And after having experienced it, I decided that just as I'd assumed, I hadn't felt any contractions previously.  Tightenings, but not contractions.  This was different.  It moved all the way around my abdomen and it was different.  BUT, I was a first time mom and I am the type of person who does not want to be sent home because of "false labor" or  because I arrived at the hospital at only a cm, so I assumed it was probably just finally one of these Braxton Hicks things I'd been told about and figured it probably wouldn't end up being the actual thing.  I headed to the gym to do some exercising.  I'm a huge believer in being as active as I can during pregnancy including up until the very end.  I did the eliptical there for awhile and then went for a long walk.  On the walk, I kept having contractions (steady but still about 20 minutes apart) and I met a rather eccentric man who advised me to take a bath when I got home so baby and I could relax while I was in labor.  The contractions weren't painful to me at that point, so I really don't know how he even assumed I was in labor, but like I said, he was a little eccentric, so... 

 I arrived back home after my walk, and the contractions were still coming though I didn't find them to be very painful.  15 minutes apart now.  I was sure they were probably going to just stop, but had heard that exercising and movement is a good way to see if it's real.  So I kept moving.  I went back to the gym and they were still coming.  Chris called.  He had come home for lunch (he did that most days during those two weeks I was done teaching and home waiting for baby).  I headed back to the apartment and we had lunch.  I didn't even tell him I was having contractions because I was literally sure that since they weren't really hurting, it probably wasn't real.  Later, after I told my mom about the labor and delivery, she said, "You know, you have a really high pain tolerance right? You always have.  You cracked your collar bone when you were little and we didn't know for days.  I only figured it out because I noticed that you weren't really using one of your arms."    So he headed back to work to finish the day, and I went back to the gym and then walked up and down the stairs of our apartment complex.  The contractions were still coming and getting closer together. 

 At 4pm, I called my doctor's office because contractions had been coming 5 minutes apart for a little over an hour and that was the "textbook" indicator for when to come in.  I still didn't have a problem breathing through them, so I was still pretty sure it might not actually end up being the real deal, but they said come in, so I called Chris to come home and get me.  

The hospital was about half an hour away, so by the time we arrived it was about 5pm.  They put us in a room, hooked me up to the monitors, and checked to see what kind of progression there was.  Much to the surprise (we found out later) of the nurses at the check-in desk, I was at 5 cm.  Apparently I was so calm and smiled at them, so they had all made bets that I'd be headed back home after the initial check.  The contractions were firm, strong, and close together, but I still didn't have trouble breathing through them at that point.  And then they got more painful and I suddenly started getting double contractions (one immediately after another had finished). 

 At that point, there was a change of the nurses, and I started having back contractions which was terrible.  I had been feeling confident and breathing and then with the double contractions and then back contractions and the pain suddenly becoming really intense, I told Chris I wanted the epidural.  It took awhile for the nurse to come (because of the shift change), but she checked my progress and I was already 8 cm. While checking, the nurse accidentally broke my water.  She said there was a lot of pressure and it was really full and then suddenly it gushed.   I had read enough to know that first labors especially are often fairly long and I had read too that those last few cm and the pushing can also take ages or stall, so that was my mindset.  

The anesthesiologist came to administer the epidural (somewhere between 8-9cm) and apparently did it wrong, so he did it twice.  And then we got a half hour of bliss. I was in labor, but the horrible, relentless contractions were only pangs and I could breathe again.  So we hung out watching Food Network for a restful lovely half hour.  Around 10 pm, I was already at 10 cm and ready to push.  I pushed for a bit, but was having a really hard time pushing the way the doctor was directing me to, because I couldn't really feel much.  So they lowered my epidural dose, and then I could feel the contractions a bit better and was able to push more correctly.  

Our Kayla Cecilia was born at 10:59pm.  We were floored.  A girl.  And a hungry one.  When they put her in Chris' arms, she started sucking at his shirt.  We laughed, and the journey of parenting this side of the womb began.  

brand new

She was a healthy 8 lbs, 6 oz.   And she was perfect. 

This is, and will always be, one of my favorite pictures from the first week at home.  

Kayla's Stats:

Born June 30, 2009 at 10:59pm

Weight: 8 lbs. 6 oz. 

Born on her due date

Length: 21 inches

Total labor: about 11 hours

Happy BIRTH day (7 years late), Kayla!  

We love you, sweetie pie and you changed our lives forever.  

Snapshot of Memories-Spring 2016

A Snapshot of Memories--Spring 2016

I love this idea that I saw on Britt's blog --to take stock of what's going on each season and capture some of those very normal, everyday memories and moments as well as some that are more long-term and far-reaching.  So here goes...

making: plans for the summer-still all in my head

cooking: This BBQ chickpea salad and some fresh fruit for dinner.  Meatless, summery-light Friday meal.

drinking: water mostly, but I mixed it up with sparkling lime water today.  What a rebel.

reading: The Mother of the Little Flower (by Celine Martin) and You Did it to Me (by Fr. Michael Gaitley) plus renewing my Marian consecration with the 33 Days to Morning Glory book

wanting: my current online scoring session to end...it's so tiring...but this section of Mother of the Little Flower was helpful....

looking: for some hand lotion to put on my hands AGAIN because this move to Colorado has been a tough change for my susceptible-ness to dry-skin patches.

playing: Peek-a-boo (Bee-a-boo!) with Sophie all the time.  She's liked the game for awhile, but is recently into covering her own eyes much more and cracks herself up.

wasting: too much time worrying about things I can't control.  Perhaps because of my mom's influence, "Jesus, I trust in You" has been my go-to prayer for--well, pretty much forever.  And it's a constant one for me since I'm a pretty strong choleric.  :)

sewing: nothing-that's not really a talent of mine, but if we are speaking of crafting...I'm working on a few Letter Y projects to complete with the girls.

wishing: those last few boxes would unpack and organize themselves....

enjoying: this point in pregnancy when I feel the wondrous kicks from inside often throughout my day.  Sweet reminders of life, but not yet strong enough that I've had to start wondering if my uterus is suddenly going to just fall out...that time is on it's way.  For now, "Hello, sweet bouncing baby!"

liking: a quiet moment here and there to read

wondering: who our little baby inside is and what sort of perfect fit God has made for our family this time.  Each time we welcome a new little one I'm always so contented with God's choice in creating such a perfect, unique individual to add to our family dynamic.

hoping: to find my patience again.  It was gone when I woke up and I've been trying to reclaim it.

marveling: at the great blessings God has bestowed on me and trying to be humble and thankful.  "Everything is a grace" -St. Therese (and repeat)

smelling: lilacs.  Every house but ours in the neighborhood seems to have a bush.  Brings back memories from my childhood in Spokane.  I can't get enough of that scent.  So back up to wishing and wanting...a lilac bush.

needing: a few moments in the quiet of my husband's arms

wearing: one of my new dresses on Sunday--still have to decide which one!!

following:  This mama who is due anytime with a little surprise, and of course, getting a chuckle from the wit of Grace over at Camp Patton. Clearly also, keeping up with the beautiful photography and writing style of Britt, which is where I even got this idea in the first place.

noticing: how quickly my girls are growing up.  Kayla just got a new, bigger bike, so that Elise can take her former one, and now it's little Ava's turn to learn to ride!! Sophie isn't to be left out and hops on anything with wheels when she gets a chance...not always a great idea....

knowing: the truth of the words of this song- "Lord, I Need You"

thinking: about what might happen in tonight's Person of Interest episode...as well as pondering the beauty of the last episode we watched in which one life was spared even though the possibility of many harmed was at stake.  A reminder of God's mercy available for us ALL!  EACH and every ONE.

bookmarking: this Fr. Riccardo podcast that Britt recommended.

opening: the cover of a sweet book with my girls.  Most recently, Miss Dorothy and Her Bookmobile, a sweet story recommended by my MIL.

giggling: at the sound of my girls giggling when Daddy plays with them at the playground.  He can dissolve them all in sweet giggles when he pushes them high on the swings or makes whatever that teetering-tottering contraption in the picture below is twist and shake and bump and bounce.

feeling: blessed.  Oh, so blessed.

31 Days of Gratitude- {Day 12} The Mountains are Calling...

...and I must go. 

-John Muir

Last week, my husband and I were able to get away

  ^^^  for a quick backpacking trip together to go here ^^^^

And we took the almost-10-month-old along because, well, nursing still.  And mommy anxiety has also set in (our kids always do this right around the 9-11 month period).  so she and I don't do overnights away from each other yet.  

We dropped the oldest three girls off for a few days with Nana and Granddaddy (my parents) and then headed to the Eastern Sierras.  As we drove north on 395, we passed by all kinds of really ugly, boring scenery, but we also saw cool stuff like in the picture below.  

I think this is Owen's Valley.  While Chris drove, I yapped his ear off.  And he sometimes offered a mumbled reply here or there.  haha. 

As we got closer and grabbed our overnight permit in Lone Pine, we got a nice view of the Sierras (Mt. Whitney is one of those peaks).  As you can see, lots of snow up there.  I mentally started panicking just a little.  Chris had mentioned snow, but suddenly I connected that it might not just be a dusting.  And I love snow when I can go inside and get a nice mug of hot cocoa after a few minutes of sledding, snowman-building etc., but backpacking means you don't have the luxury of a nice warm house to escape to with central heat.  As I gazed up at the snow high in the mountains, I was sweating because down in the valley it was like 90 degrees.  And then I just stopped worrying about hot OR cold weather for awhile and we got back in the car to drive to the trailhead and I yapped some more and thought about how nice it was going to be to get away for a bit and just enjoy the beauty of God's incredible creation.  

Almost to the trailhead, I wanted to grab this lovely shot of the beginnings of the fall colors we were seeing, but also got a nice, ugly piece of windshield in the shot.  haha. 

 

Even though it was still warm at the trailhead, I began getting some layers on Sophie so that she'd be snug as we hiked up into the cold.  The picture on the left is her bottom layer, warm tights and a short-sleeve onesie.  Picture on the right, we add a pair of her big sisters' REI hiking socks which are pretty much pants on her.  

And next comes another layer: long sleeve onesie and some pants plus those Robeez shoes. 

Yes, she doesn't match at all.  Yes, she is adorable.  

 

Chris left us with the packs and went to park the car in the lot where you were allowed to leave them overnight.  Sophie and I tried to get a selfie that showed us plus the pretty yellow aspens behind us.  We look pretty cute, but the aspens don't really show...

 

Chris arrived back and we grabbed our packs and began our trek up into the eastern Sierras.  And of course we got a group selfie of us at the beginning.  Sophie wasn't really cooperating.  She wanted to look around at all the pretty trees. 

The brilliant yellow of the leaves was impossible to capture on camera in a way that even came close to showing the vibrant, bold, beauty.  

As we amble along these mountain trails, leading upward into the mountains, I always think of some of my favorite Saint quotes....

 

 

I snapped a few more pictures trying to capture the vividness of the yellow (and some orange) leaves, but it was impossible.  These pictures are lovely, but you truly have to see it to grasp even a fragment of just how ablaze these groves of aspens were. 

 

"Autumn is a second spring when every leaf is a flower."

-Albert Camus

As we moved further up and into the mountains, we followed a creek which eventually led to a large rushing waterfall.  Chris can tell you that I love waterfalls.  Love, love, love them.  Since the beginning of our relationship, he and I have been exploring in search of waterfalls.  And we were blessed to find several along this route; most small, one big. 

Eventually a few miles in, we passed into the John Muir Wilderness.  If you don't know much about John Muir, I recommend reading about him.  He's a really cool naturalist.  SOMEDAY, Chris and I WILL complete the John Muir Trail.  And I'm excited for that.  But back to our recent trip...

More beautiful fall colors.  It felt like a fantasy land; it was just. so. beautiful. 

As we journeyed along, my pack seemed so heavy and my shoulders ached.  We stopped from time to time for a few minutes to give my weary shoulders some relief for a moment or to allow me to nurse Sophie.  The long and winding trail eventually began to feel like it might never lead to the beautiful lakes that we had read were waiting up ahead.  

Then suddenly we arrived at the first lake.  

And it was beautiful. 

As we ambled further toward the second lake we noted that there was more and more snow on the ground.  So when we got just past the gleaming blue second lake (see the picture below), we quickly decided that it would be best to stay there for the night instead of trekking further in where there would only be more snow on the ground.  

So we set up camp and that is where I shall end my story for today.  This beautiful, incredible view of God's creation, this marvelous masterpiece painting of His, this peaceful stillness was exactly what we needed, if only for a moment.  

God is so, so good.