I was on a roll getting caught up on blog posts, and then I got to last year's (2021) Christmas post.
OOF.
Pain. Heartache.
I didn't know how to write this blog post and not have it simply be bitter and sad.
So I waited.
And now it's nearly Christmas 2022.
My heart is still heavy. Christmas is the most difficult time of year in the situation I find myself in. It's a time for family and love and joy and peace. And I find myself alone half the time and alone on Christmas Eve and parts of the day on Christmas. And that isn't how it's supposed to be.
I am grateful that last year I was able to go to Christmas Eve Mass with my kids and enjoy dinner with close family friends before I had to drop them off at Chris' for the night. I am grateful the kids came over to the house the next day for a couple hours to open presents and hang out. I truly am SO very grateful for every precious moment.
But it doesn't cancel out the injustice of the other side of the situation.
The part where my kids aren't there.
The part where our hearts are hurting and broken because we want to be together the whole day, laughing and celebrating for all of it because we love each other.
The brokenness. The loneliness.
I'm not going to pretend everything is "fine" to make others feel better about divorce.
I'm not going to pretend that simply "staying together" solves all pain either.
The only thing that solves the problem is the healing power of Love.
TRUE, humble, poor and lowly, powerful and miraculous Love.
Love has a name.
Emmanuel.
God WITH us.
If you are never willing to engage in YOUR story and why you react the way you do, what things and people hurt you in your past (generally your family of origin or people you engaged with when you were quite young), name the harm that was done to you, name the shame that you underwent, and be honest about how it has all affected you, you will not be able to give it to the Savior and let Him work at healing your woundedness.
Many of us are stuck blaming our spouses, our kids, our co-workers, our friends...
usually the deep wound happened much further back.
All those interactions with spouses, kids, and friends now is simply triggers from past pain.
And when we don't deal with them, we wound and harm and hurt the people WE love most: OUR spouses, OUR children, OUR friends and neighbors.
Break the cycle.
Engage YOUR story. Engage YOUR pain honestly.
Apologize for the ways you have harmed others in your pain.
Break the cycle.
Go to the manger.
Look at the Prince of Peace.
Look at Love.
I wrote this paragraph after Christmas and it was all I could write about it for a long while.
It's beautiful and relevant.
"Christmas 2021 was bittersweet.
The rip in our family unit was raw and painful.
But there was joy amidst the heart ache.
Friends and family blessed us in countless ways.
And if there’s one thing I want to highlight in all this mess,
it’s the LOVE of Christ shown through others.
Jesus is real.
I have seen Him.
I have seen Him in the Eucharist, where I have run time and again when it all seems to be too much. He holds me there.
I have seen Him in the love of neighbor.
Little gifts arrived to make me smile.
An ornament with my word of year (JOY) on it to remind in 2022 to look for it.
A box of handmade soap and honey, so sweet and thoughtful.
Cards with a little cash to be sure the kids and I had a beautiful Christmas.
Invitations to Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, and Boxing Day dinner so I wouldn’t be alone.
A gift of a spa day for a friend and I, which also a huge lesson in receiving because I have never spoiled myself so much. In fact on the way to the spa I told the Lord it was too much and I should spend it on something more practical that I need. His reply? “You are worth more than any spa day cost. You are worth it.” And so I had my day of pure relaxation and rest and it was truly glorious.
Friends gave the most thoughtful gifts and we spent wonderful quality time caroling, having Christmas parties and movie/game nights with dear friends.
And just after Christmas my brother’s family traveled from CA to spend a week with us.
We played games, we laughed, we cried, we prayed night prayer, we sang, we had dodgeball fights, and went sledding.
I could not believe how many ways God showed up through our community of family and friends.
So, to those who don’t believe He is working miracles and can work still greater ones, here is the proof that you are wrong.
God is always up to something.
Thank you to all our family and friends who followed the voice of the Spirit to pour out HIS love to us this Christmas season."
Christmas Eve dinner and games with friends
Video of Saran wrap game
Christmas morning Mass with my former neighbor
opening presents with the kiddos
The kids made up a Nativity play for me as a Christmas gift.
The BEST Christmas gift.
Click on the videos- you won't regret. it. :)
Joseph and Mary and baby Jesus.
the angel
I was invited by myself for Christmas dinner with these same wonderful friends.
beautiful, thoughtful gifts from my kiddos
my new seal stuffie from the kiddos
Dear friends invited me to spend the day after Christmas with them.
More games!
So much love and beauty. I cannot look at these pictures without crying with joy. Amidst all the pain, there truly was still joy because of the LOVE of incredible people that God has placed in my life.
Sisters video
And that's a wrap. Lots of emotions in a post like this. Time to go recover.
