Reflecting on our Move

I hate thinking about the actual move, partly because I hate the work and stress that goes along with packing your things and moving and partly because it makes me sad to think of all the dear friends you leave behind when you move (out of the area).  I did say a few preliminary good-byes back in this post to my Mom's group and to some of my Blessed Is She park meet-up gals.  But overall, we just packed up feverishly, said some fond, but brief farewells, and were gone. 

Stuffing all the emotions of it isn't a great idea, so I'm airing out some of my thoughts on moving away from Southern California.  

I miss the ocean.  

These pictures are from our last visit to the ocean before we left SoCal.  We visited our favorite sunset spot down in Laguna and the girls ran around in the sand, soaking up every last ray of sunshine that day before it sank down into the ocean (or so it always looks...)

I cried a little watching them, knowing that our carefree days of visiting the ocean some evenings or for a quick trip on the weekends were over for a long while.  And I'm tearing up now looking back at the pictures that I've carefully kept in a folder marked "April 2016" on the computer not ready to browse through them to reflect upon our final good-byes.  

We said good-bye to our fish.   These are the angelfish we used to have.  Chris found them a good home with a man in SoCal, and I packed up the fish tank (what a horrible, tough job that is by the way) again.  I know it seems a little silly to miss fish, but they were there, part of our SoCal life for the last year when we finally had a townhome big enough to unpack the tank again.  And it took awhile to get some new fish here, and I found it dreadfully hard those first few weeks to walk past the empty tank with none of our angelfish looking at back at me.  

(packing the fish tank- I'm kind of a pro now.  And I still hate it.)

(these are pictures that Jacinta took, and I'm so glad she did)

(and Alena took all these)

 Because of Easter at the end of March, packing and craziness, and our move date in mid-April, we knew we wouldn't have time to get together with everyone we wanted to, especially one-on-one, so we planned a big potluck at the park.  Some of our dear friends (shown in these pictures, but minus Crystal and Jonny who were there but not pictured except in the prayer picture) came and we were able to say some good-byes just a few days before we left.  

Can I just say that I hate good byes?

Also that I am one who appears to have it all handled and doesn't break down with people.  I focus all my attention on enjoying the last precious bit of time I have with friends, but my emotions always pour out later after I leave.  That being said, it wasn't hard to have a fun time, laughing and enjoying the time with these dear friends that day at the park.  But later, when we were on the road and after we moved, I had some very tough emotional battles missing the wonderful community of friends who had become in many ways like family to us.  

It has also taken me a good two months to look back at these pictures because I miss you all very much and....I'm totally crying.  

This gathering was the big one, but we did sneak in dinner with the Deritos whom we had been trying to schedule dinner with for about a month before we found out about the move.  It was such a fun evening.  The Kerlagons were also moving (local move) just before we did, so they were busy packing and unpacking themselves during our last couple weeks, but we were able to get over to their new place to get a glimpse before leaving and be told some special news.  The Kolodziejs came over with dinner and to help with some packing one evening, so we got to hang out with their sweet family for a brief bit for final good-byes (and pizza and cookies and a big green salad so that it was at least somewhat healthy).  Crystal and Jonny came over and the guys drank some of the beers that needed to be emptied from the fridge and we all packed up stuff and chatted and laughed and planned future trips to Colorado because obviously they MUST come visit.  Everyone must.  I miss you all far too much.  

And then moving day was upon us

 

 

The boxes were packed (sometimes I'm still not sure how it all actually got done.  So much work!!), the movers came, and suddenly the place was empty.  OUR HOME (rented of course) was empty.  There is nothing quite so depressing as those last hours you spend at a place, cleaning and scrubbing it, recalling all the memories you made there, and wondering-just wondering- what the future holds in a new place.  

We stayed our last night before we left for Colorado ourselves with my godfather and his wife.  

I don't even have words looking at these pictures.  In SoCal, we didn't live near family (parents and siblings).  'Uncle' Paul is my mom's cousin and my godfather and he and 'Auntie' Agnes are now Sophie's godparents.  They were our family in SoCal.  They were the ones we could go to for babysitting when we went to Sophie's 20 week ultrasound and for a date now and again.  They were our early morning phone call when I was in labor with Sophie who prayed for me in labor and watched the other gals at home.  They were the family we had for birthdays or dinners every month, sometimes more.  When people would ask (as they always do when you have small children) if you have family nearby, they were the ones we could name as our family nearby--just 8 minutes away. 

That was a really hard good-bye to say.  and it still is.  

We don't have any relatives in Colorado at all.  And I miss our 'Uncle' Paul and 'Auntie' Agnes dreadfully and the amazing love and support they gave us during our time in Southern California. 

 

and then we began our trek to Colorado and made our various stops along the way at some of the Utah National Parks which you have seen in other previous posts Arches, Capitol Reef, Bryce Canyon, Zion, and it seems I never actually posted about Canyonlands....hmmm

Anyway, our trip was blessed (only one real incident that involved Elise throwing up and a really disgusting pitstop for clean-up) and we got safely to our new home and are settling in well.  But today, I just wanted to let myself have a good cry because moving is tough.  Leaving dear friends and family is tough.  

                             

In the weeks leading up to our move, the choir at church played this song every single week for the last 3 weeks on Sundays.  And I prayed the words in my heart with everything I had because I knew God had a plan for us here in CO, but I couldn't sing them.  I tried, so many times, but the tears would start within seconds.   

When we arrived here, I found that there is a K-LOVE station here so I put it on in the car, and this song comes on just when I need it here too.  Except that now that we are here, it doesn't make me cry.  It encourages me because I know God does have a plan for us here, and I find the words encouraging as I recommit (through the prayer of this song) to follow wherever He leads us.  

Hiking and Thoughts

Hidden among the fun and peacefulness of the last few days has also been some anxiety and stress that Satan loves to slam me with in the form of news that hubby will be out of town several times this month for various reasons.  He's taking Kayla on her annual backpacking trip soon and he'll also be traveling for several days for work this month. Anyone who really knows me knows I turn into a hot mess when Chris is gone.  I realize many people have it far worse than I do, but that logic doesn't work because I don't live my life by comparisons.  My cross is my own and for me one or two nights is a heavy cross to bear.

And, as is the case with him taking Kayla backpacking, I obviously am a fan of him taking our daughter on a special trip and them getting to spend time together doing something they love, but again, that doesn't make the "him being gone" part all that much easier for me.  I still miss him a lot, I still have to bear the brunt of parenting on my own while he's gone, and it's just a big weight on my heart.  I know that all sounds ridiculous to most people, but this is who I am, and this is a big struggle for me.  The past week preparing for the backpacking trip separation was already beginning to weigh on me a little, and then the additional news today of business travel froze me.  Ugh.  

Anyway, I'm just asking for a few extra prayers for a little extra grace and peace in my heart.  

That's it. 

God is ever reminding me to put my trust in Him, and He's constantly giving me opportunities to trust Him...

This past weekend's hike was lovely and peaceful and though I can't say it lifted all the weight off, it was a beautiful opportunity to be together, get exercise and fresh air, and bask in the splendor of our incredible Creator.  

 

 

Where you go, I'll go-- Moving again!

It won't come as a surprise to most that we are moving once again.  In our 7.5 years of marriage we have lived in 2 states, 6 different cities, and 8 homes.   We will be adding another state, another city, and another home with our next move to the Denver, CO area.  It is (per usual) a very bittersweet move for us.  

Though we have been discussing the idea of a move to the Denver area for quite awhile, until very recently (like 4 weeks ago), we were planning it as more of a plan for sometime in the next 2-4 years. Why?  Because we love it here.  We don't actually want to move at all.  

The weather is perfect.  We have an amazing group of faith-filled friends.  My godfather and his wife live here and we have become so close to them in our time here.  We started a Young Families Ministry at a nearby parish.  We each attend a monthly men's/women's Bible study with friends.  I love my mom's group at the local parish.  Our Catholic homeschooling group is a wonderful one.  I love the Charter School that we've been working with this year for Kayla's homeschooling.  Kayla loves her ballet studio.  We live near Disneyland and had the blessing of annual passes for two years.  We live near both the ocean and mountains where we love to hike.  We love the area, we love our grocery stores, we love our library....we LOVE living in our little corner of Southern California.  

(this isn't to say there aren't wonderful things about the Denver area; I know there are.  More on that eventually in another post... This is just to say that we don't want to leave.  We love it HERE.)

And though we have been able to live here on one income (and my little part-time help), we moved here "late in the game" to make it work long-term because the area is just so very expensive.  With the number of kids we already have, we just won't ever save enough in an area like this to ever really expand and grow.   Hence, why we had been reluctantly discussing the idea of moving while still trying to avoid it as long as we possibly could and hope that God would work an amazing miracle so that we could just stay.  God? God??

Alas, God's ways are not our ways, and after diligently looking for new jobs in the area for the last 9 months, and then looking even harder for jobs here recently, we decided to be open to moving to Denver now.  Chris put out a bunch more applications, and we heard back.  Almost immediately.  Hello there, God.  

And suddenly I could feel the air tightening around me.  What have I done?  What did I say yes to? But still there was no actual interview or job offer.  Sigh.  Phew.  A week later, that, too, began though, and I was suddenly very glad that God had brought Fr. Michael Gaitley's book 33 Days to Merciful Love into my life right now.  It has been an incredible help and source of peace.  Chris' current job has been draining him for many reasons in the last year but especially in the last few months, so there is a huge part of me that was praying and I mean, praying hard that he would find something new, no matter where it took us.  I think it goes without saying that this was difficult for me. There was a huge part of us that was still hoping God would work everything out so we could continue our life here.  

So I did the only thing I could think to do in the midst of my whirling emotions surrounding it all: pray.  I prayed a lot and I stopped telling God what I wanted, what I needed, and just prayed the words under the Divine Mercy image, 

"Jesus, I trust in You."  

Sometimes I prayed it through tears of frustration and sadness at the thought of leaving yet another place.  Sometimes I said it in peaceful submission, but I just kept saying it (and I'm still praying it...).  At the times when I'm especially anxious about giving over my will to God and struggle to have faith that His plans for our family are truly better than my own, I pray a favorite Bible verse of mine too, "Lord, I believe!  Help my unbelief!" (Mark 9:24).  

These two prayers have been an incredible source of grace and have brought so much peace into my life about this move.  

And sure enough, Chris got the job.  It's better in every way than his job here, so we couldn't hide anymore behind excuses about why we shouldn't move....but more than that, we have both been blessed with an amazing peace about it all.  I know I will shed many more tears before we leave and after too, but by God's grace, I am also able to praise God for this new opportunity for Chris and our family to grow where He is planting us now.  

A random fact:
 None of our 4 girls have been born in the same city, or even county, as each other.  This move makes it official that #5 will keep our accidental trend alive and strong....

God's Word-FILLED Wednesday- Jeremiah 29:11

God has been working with me HARD-CORE on trusting in Him recently.  In reading the book, 33 Days to Merciful Love by Fr. Mike Gaitley, I am being smacked over the head with it continually.  Trust, trust, TRUST!  I am also using Blessed Is She's Lenten devotional workbook and it, too, (through reading and reflecting on the daily readings as well as additional reflections written by Blessed Is She writers) is urging me to stop worrying and TRUST.  

As a family, we are discerning some pretty big decisions right now, and for every time I try to grab back all my worries and anxieties, God is sending me encouragement to give it to Him, to trust Him with my life, my family, my future.  Over and over and over again (I'm a bit of a control freak and pro/con lists and constant discussion about decisions is kind of how I roll).  But God has asked me to toss those things aside and simply give my plans and worries over to Him.  

This morning, I opened a fresh journal (given to me by my friend for my birthday) and this verse stared me in the face:

And just as I've done almost every other day this week, I had a quiet conversation with the Lord and gave Him (once again!) the worries that I was attempting to sneak back.  God and I have been having a lot of words recently.  I've spent some time crying.  But I've spent far more time saying, "OK, God.  Whatever you want.  Not my will, but yours be done."   And I have found so much peace in that.  My heart is no longer tied in knots about everything on my plate.  My worries about our family are balanced with the knowledge that God is in control and His plans are better than mine.  EVEN when I don't understand them.  

What a beautiful gift we have been given in the Jubilee Year of Mercy.  God's merciful love is so wide, so high, so big, and this Year of Mercy has been a wonderful reminder to accept the great outpouring of God's love and mercy that is available to us if we only open our hearts and accept it.  

What's on your heart today?  Can you read that verse with me and trust God's words to us that He has incredible plans for our lives even when we can't see how all the crazy pieces will fit together?  Can you repeat with me, "Lord, I believe.  Help my unbelief." (Mark 9:24) over and over until God's peace shines through the darkness of our fears and failings?  Can we pray these words of St. Faustina: "Jesus, I trust in You." and give Him EVERYTHING?  

Let's begin with a simple "Yes" as Mary did.