First Weekend alone

 

Divorce is a word no one wants to hear, let alone talk about.  Just reading it probably made you feel uncomfortable.  That's because it's broken and especially when kids are involved there are so many losers.  So much pain and brokenness results because of it. 

I'm not going to lie and pretend there isn't.  Almost a year later, this process and pain hasn't lessened.  It has changed a bit, and I have learned to handle it differently. Then new pains arise and you begin that process of learning and growing again.  

The first weekend I was alone without my kids after Chris moved out was a daunting one.  My dear friend anticipated that and arranged for us to use a timeshare to go to a hotel up in the mountains together for the weekend.  Then she got sick and ended up in the hospital briefly, but she encouraged me to go anyway.  

I was terrified.  

How could I go on my own?  Being home alone seemed bad enough.  How could I go away for a weekend at a hotel and do anything but cry on their bed instead of my own?  

However, I had been working on courage, so I went. 

I drove 3 hours by myself into the mountains listening to Bible in a Year podcasts and blasting praise songs and old college CDs. 

And I hiked up to a beautiful waterfall and then onto a lovely lake 

It was breath taking. 

At times I did cry on that hotel bed.  

And then I chose to get up and do something brave. For my kids.  For me. 

We don't always get to choose what happens in life and who will hurt us or how they will hurt us.  

But we do get to choose not to let the choices of others affect every choice we make.

  We can still choose love.  We can still choose joy.  We can still be brave and do hard things.  We can still choose beautiful hikes or relaxing in the hot tub or by the pool.  We can walk outside and notice the beautiful butterfly or the brilliantly blooming flower or brightly colored leaf. 

paths like this always remind me of that Robert Frost poem, The Road Less Taken. 

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,

And sorry I could not travel both

And be one traveler, long I stood

And looked down one as far as I could

To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,

And having perhaps the better claim,

Because it was grassy and wanted wear;

Though as for that the passing there

Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay

In leaves no step had trodden black.

Oh, I kept the first for another day!

Yet knowing how way leads on to way,

I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh

Somewhere ages and ages hence:

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—

I took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference

-Robert Frost

“But let justice roll down like waters

And righteousness like an ever-flowing stream." 

- Amos 5:24

I will make them and the places around My hill a blessing. And I will cause showers to come down in their season; they will be showers of blessing.

Ezekiel 34:26

I love bridges. If only we chose to build bridges instead of burn them. 

beautiful evening and sunset by the pool

The church I went to in the little mountain town was beautiful and it had a little adoration chapel. 

Hi Mama!

Hey Jesus!

It was not an easy weekend.  But it was a brave one.  And I am really proud of myself for choosing courage with Christ because it was a weekend of growth despite pain and sorrow. 

Yes, the pictures I took all show beauty.  And there was that.  But it would be a lie to pretend that intense loneliness and despair were not also fighting for a place in that weekend.  But that is what I love about the virtue of courage.  It is about doing the hard thing even when you are afraid, even when it is painful.  You do the good anyway. 

Thank you, Lord, for reminding me of YOUR goodness despite the pain that resides in a fallen world.